Thoughts on Life and Death

Jan. 10, 2007

It's been such a long time since I posted! Of course, I was without the internet at home for 4 or 5 months (major withdrawal, I can tell you!). Now I am down to lowly dial-up netzero, but at least it's cheap - and I'm all about cheap right now. I love reading my sister's blog - I swear it's the only thing that keeps me sane at work - that's what I do on my unsanctioned break. I work for a small company and they have weird ideas about breaks, but I won't go in to that.

Since I am quite possibly the only person in the whole wide world that reads my blog, it doesn't really matter what I write (or even if I write), does it? Yes, it's sad, but not that sad. At least I can look back and see what I've been up to - it's kinda like an internet journal. Better than a journal on my computer, because my computer likes to crash occasionally and I'm really bad at backing it up, so there goes my whole journal.

So, yesterday I was reading my sister's blog (the ranting closet - or was it spoon!). It had a link to a crazy cupcake blog that had a link to the "gluten free girl" blog. This, being gluten-free myself, I was interested in. I rather enjoyed the blog - it was upbeat and happy and Shauna (aka gluten-free girl) is so full of life. It was a nice evening reading her blog. THEN . . . my oldest daughter comes home from Young Women.

"How did it go?" I ask her.
"Oh, it was ok, we played volleyball with the boys. ---- is SO stupid, though."
Oh boy, I thought, another tirade about how much my daughter does not like ----. I am used to this, having heard it for years. I am getting ready to give my "be nice" speech when the conversation took a TOTALLY unexpected turn.

"Yeah, one of our leaders took the older girls out in the hall for a few minutes to tell us some sad news about one of our friends; then ---- bursts through the door and says, 'Hey, everyone is supposed to be inside playing volleyball, not out in the hallway! Come on you guys, who died?'"

Then my daughters eyes teared up. I looked away from the happy blog I'd been reading and knew from her look that one of her friends HAD died. Suicide. Yesterday afternoon. How could a 16 year old girl who seems so happy and alive, has so many friends, so much talent and so much to live for kill herself? How? Everyone who saw her earlier in the day said she seemed as happy as ever.

Of course, I know how. Depression. Why else does anyone kill themself? I have been there myself, on the brink - thinking that I am worthless and I don't deserve to live and life is too painful and the world would be a better place without me and it would be so much easier to just give up and die. I, too, have had friends that have committed suicide. So have both my parents.

I couldn't help but think about the girl's family. Especially her parents. What must they be going through. How horrible. What a nightmare. That's what people don't think about when they attempt suicide - what an important place in this world they hold. What an important place each and every person in this entire world holds. It's kind of like "It's a Wonderful Life" - each of us are as important as George was - though we may think we are insignificant, we are not. John Donne was right all those years ago: no man (or woman or child) is an island and when the bell tolls, it really does toll for all of us.


Jan. 11, 2007

Well, tonight Meagan and I went to a fireside at our Stake Center. It was for the youth of the stake who needed some comfort and wanted to try to make sense of the recent suicide I spoke of on my last post. Like I told everyone who asked, it was uplifting in a depressing sort of way. Even though I did not personally know Meagan's friend, her suicide hit me hard.

I guess I keep thinking about how close I came to doing the same thing and how it would have affected the people around me - and how thankful I am that I didn't go through with it. Truthfully, I never really got to the planning stages, only the thinking "I am so miserable and in so much pain I just want to die - wouldn't it be such a relief to not have to deal with life anymore?" I couldn't get to the planning stages because I knew that if I did commit suicide I would have to answer to God, and what would I tell Him? I couldn't deal with that.

Meagan's friend, unfortunately, was not so lucky. God saved my life. I have no doubt about it. I don't know what the difference is because I do not know exactly what was going on in Meagan's friend's life and in her mind. Only she knows that (and God, of course). I still ache for her parents.

Maybe what really scares me is that my kinesiologist (who has helped me so, so, so much) told me that after I had my third child, I was depressed, but after I had my fourth child, I was apathetic. Apathy, she says, is even worse than depression because you have given up. Be thankful for your depression, she tells me, because it means you are opening up yourself to feeling again and you have a chance for healing and getting better.

I don't know. Apathy was/is so much less painful. I think I'm afraid that if I allow myself to move from apathy back to depression, I might get suicidal again, and that's scary. Really scary.

I've been there before and it is NOT a good place to be. I don't want to EVER go there again. Is that why I keep sabotaging my efforts to get well? My 16 year-old-daughter is so intelligent beyond her years.

When I told her that her friend is in a better place now than all of us, she said: if you die depressed, don't you stay depressed? Why would you want to kill yourself if there's life after death and you're going to have to deal with pretty much the same things anyway? What did your suicide attempt accomplish? Nothing except making a lot of people around you sad. This is the same girl that told me when she was in 6th grade and I was griping about all the work her science project was: "Mom, you need to learn to enjoy the process, don't worry so much about the end result. This is fun!"

February

I can't believe it's already February. Now I can officially do my taxes, and I guess I should. Meagan - is spending the night at Kailien's - Kailien has found her a temporary job grooming dogs, so Meagan is happy she will have money again. At least for a little while. Cameron & Jarom - are camping with the scouts at Crystal Hot Springs. Scouts do the craziest things. Who would actually want to go camping in the winter? They almost got left behind because the scout leaders told David they would be leaving at 3:30, then they left at 2:30. Luckily one of them came back for Cameron and Jarom - he had already gone about 20 miles, but he was nice enough to come back. Amber - is staying home alone with her dad and me. I think she likes being an only child once in a while. We played Clue, Jr. which made Amber very happy. Me - for some reason the tomato soup we had for dinner did not agree with me. Fortunately, I have found that ginger tea works alot better on upset stomachs than alka seltzer ever dreams of and is not nearly so toxic. Wow, how my life has changed in the last year and a half. Things I used to think were crazy (like hardly ever eating canned/processed/fake food) I have come to realize are very much common sense. I am getting healthier for it. Life is seeming better to me than it ever has before and for that I can only be grateful! David - has started another painting. Elks. He has also been really good about cooking for us the past few weeks. That IS nice!